2020.2.1 The 10th Day of Wuhan City Closure 日记原文于下
I feel very perturbed in the last two days. I need to take some time to calm down to continue writing this diary.
I rehearsed in my mind countless times what I would do if my parents or I became sick. After a lot of thinking, my conclusion is: I will do no better than those people in the videos circulating online.
I do not have any confidence in myself.
It seems I am waiting for a trial, wondering when the sword will fall on my head.
This morning, I got a call from my cousin (female) after waking up. My aunt received the confirmed diagnosis of coronavirus infection. It is not a suspected case or a highly-suspected case anymore. It is confirmed. No more room for luck. In addition, her son, my cousin (male), also has a fever and shows some symptoms.
My mom cried many times today. I cannot find any comforting words. I only have selfish thoughts that my mom is okay at least.
Since I brought up my aunt, another story came to my mind. During the first days of the Wuhan lockdown, my mom, my cousin (female) in Wuhan and I called my aunts and uncles repetitively to beg them to pay attention to this outbreak. We told them not to have a party and wear masks to go outside. But they did not take the situation seriously and thought the outbreak was far away from their life. They continued to play Mahjong and visit relatives and even had a huge party with all four generations of the family. Now that my aunt has been confirmed to be infected, the whole family started to panic, isolated from each other and sanitized our home. I do not know if there is still a chance for a rescue. We have elders over 90 years old and little kids under 10 years old in our family.
I am writing this down not to rant about the consequences of them not heeding to our advice. I just want to reiterate that conceal the truth at the beginning and the “preventable and controllable” narrative of the media should be responsible for all of this. It is very hard to change ordinary people’s habits, so it is more important to inform about the danger of the situation and educate preventive measures.
But it is all too late. I can only hope my aunt and the whole family can survive through this difficult time.
My mom keeps doing chores at home today, many of which are not necessary to complete at the moment. But she needs to keep herself busy to prevent paranoia. So I didn’t interrupt her.
Have been continually following up news about the Wuhan Red Cross. Surprised to find out I couldn't get emotional about the news.I can not tell if it's for I turned numb over these same corruptions Wuhan Red Cross，or there's too much for me to worry about & I simply can't process.
If asked about the reason for Wuhan Red Cross corruption - intentionally steal donations or their inability to allocate, I'd say it is the latter for the time being. What leads to my judgement is not my faith in the Wuhan Red Cross' ethic or integrity, but the fact that supplies are swarming in from both domestic and overseas channels. With their limited brain power, I'm afraid Wuhan Red Cross can't even fish in the troubled waters. You heard me right - Fishing in the troubled waters and lining one's pocket would require certain capabilities.
This doesn't mean it wouldn't happen though. In the beginning of Wuhan Lockdown, I saw someone selling masks with Red Cross logos on Xianyu ( an online transaction platform for used items ). And the seller's certified address is precisely Wuhan. That was when Wuhan Red Cross started receiving great amount of donated supplies. I've gone through the seller's page to find it very suspicious. And in that frame of time, they were capable of selling the donated masks to line their own pockets. That page was soon deleted of course.
I can see the news today that many donated supplies are arriving the Xiehe Hospital directly, bypassing the Wuhan Red Cross. However, what I think the most urgent problem is how they can allocate the stocked supplies so quickly and efficiently as to ease the the shortage of all the hospitals. Many discussions are coming out with the most direct solution - May there rise a wise and responsible "Lord Bright-Sky", who beheads all the courtiers before the battle, metaphorically. But I have to say putting the hope of peace on the arrival of a wise lord makes people hopeless. Adding one last comment on this issue, a quote from Weibo (Chinese censored version of Twitter) user Fangfang: The Hubei (Province Wuhan's in) officials' level may not necessarily be the worst of the whole nation. Likewise, the Wuhan Red Cross' performance may just be average among all those Wuhan government departments.
On the 28th of Jan, I saw Ma Yiyan's Weibo about a single father from Hong'an, Hubei, being forcibly isolated for suspected infection. The eldest son with cerebral palsy was left unattended at home. At that time, Ma Yiyan called for help. However, I learned last night that the child had died on the 29th. During the week when his father was forced to be quarantined, he had only eaten two meals. I felt like I was being poured with a bucket of cold water—the child and I were essentially no different. While writing today's diary, I saw a foreign actor I like posted on ins: Love For Wuhan, Love For Human. Suddenly I couldn't help myself, and wept. This world is so fucked up, how are we even surviving? It was because of the people, the soft bondage.
2月1日 武汉封城第10天
这两天心里特别乱，需要花时间让自己静下心来才能继续完成这个日记。
最近我在心里预演了无数遍，如果我发病或是爸爸妈妈出现症状，我应该怎么办……我想了很多很多，但最后的结论是，我没有办法比网上流传的那些视频中的人做得更好。
我没有这个信心。
现在仿佛就在等宣判，等着头上那柄剑什么时候掉下来。
早上起床接到堂姐的电话，姨妈确诊感染了，这次不是疑似，也不是高度疑似，而是确定了，再没有任何侥幸。而且她的儿子、我的堂哥，现在也在发烧，出现了症状。
妈妈今天哭了好几次，我找不到安慰的语言，只能很自私的想，还好妈妈没有事。
说起姨妈生病，这又有另外一个故事了。武汉封城那几日，我、妈妈、在武汉的堂姐，都反复给舅舅、姨妈们打电话，请求他们对疫情引起重视，不要聚会、出门一定要戴口罩。但是他们没有当作多严重的事情，都觉得疫情离他们很远，照旧打麻将、串门，还组了四世同堂的聚会。现在姨妈确诊，整个大家族都慌了，各自隔离、家里消毒……不知道还来不来得及，毕竟家里上有年近九十的长辈，下有垂髫小儿……
我记录这些，并不是想说他们不听劝告而导致这样的后果，我只是想再次证明，初期的瞒报以及媒体宣传的“可防可控”应该对这一切负责。普通老百姓的生活惯性和意识是如此难以改变，才更应该提前告知危害性和预防措施。
可是现在说什么都迟了，只能希望姨妈和家人都能平安熬过这个阶段。
妈妈今天一直在做家务，打扫、整理……很多并不是现在一定要做的事情，但妈妈说需要找一些事情做才能阻止自己胡思乱想，所以我没有劝阻她。
一直在关注武汉红十字会的消息，但是我的内心竟然毫无波澜，不知道是出于对这种毫无新意的腐败、渎职的麻木，还是因为眼前已经有很多需要操心烦恼的事情而无暇顾及其他。
如果问我，造成现在的局面，究竟是红会有心藏私，还是无能调配，我个人倾向于，至少在现阶段应该是后者。做出这样的判断并非是信任红十字会的道德和操守，而是因为现阶段国内外援助物资蜂拥而至，以红十字会的能力，恐怕还没有浑水摸鱼的本事。
是的，浑水摸鱼、中饱私囊本身也是一种“本事”。
但并不是代表一定不会。封城之初就有人在闲鱼（线上二手交易平台）售卖有红十字会标识的口罩，而卖家的认证地就是武汉。那是红十字会大量收到捐赠物资前夕，我看过这个卖家的页面，确实非常可疑，而且在那个时间段是有能力将红十字会库存口罩进行变卖、中饱私囊的。当然，这个售卖页面很快就删除了。
今天已经看到有很多捐赠物资绕过了红十字会直接给到协和医院了，我认为现在最需要考虑的问题是：红十字会临时仓库里积压的大量物资如何能快速有效的分发到位，以缓解各个医院物资的紧张。
看到很多议论认为现在最直接的解决方法是出现一位英明神武的青天大老爷，斩佞臣于阵前。
不得不说，将太平安宁的希望寄托于明主降临，这本身就够让人绝望的。
最后多记一笔，我认为正如前几日分享的方方的微博所言，湖北的官员水平不一定是全国垫底，我想，武汉红十字会的业务能力，也只是武汉政府部门的平均水平而已。
28日看到马泮艳的微博，一个湖北红安的单亲爸爸疑似感染被强制隔离，患有脑瘫的长子一个人在家没有人照料，当时马泮艳呼吁希望有人帮忙解决。
然而昨晚才知，这个孩子已经在29日去世了，他父亲被强制隔离的一周时间里，他只吃过两顿饭。
我犹如被兜头浇下一桶凉水——我与这个孩子，本质上没有任何区别。
在写今天的日记时，看到我很喜欢的一位外国演员发了一条ins：Love For Wuhan, Love For Human。
突然有些绷不住，哭了出来。
这个世界如此操蛋，为什么还能坚持生活下去呢？不过就是因为斯人斯情，那点柔软的羁绊。